Today is an odd day. I can’t seem to shake this feeling in me. I am also incredibly emotional and feel like all the tears that I’ve held back for the last three months are attacking me trying to get out. I try not to cry because over here you are more likely to get mocked and teased than comforted; but it’s also not comfort I want. I’m not sad. It’s just a weird day. It’s the feeling I used to get in my home in Elgin on my mom’s Bible study nights. I don’t think I ever told her this, but I couldn’t sleep until she got home. I didn’t like those nights because she was always out until at least 11:00pm (imagine a mother of 8 wanting a break) and for some reason we always expected her sooner. I would get this hollow feeling in my stomach whenever my dad would make me go to bed and she wasn’t home. I was always sure that she had an accident and couldn’t call us. The sound of the garage door opening was such a relief. I guess this was before I really thought you could pray for yourself because I always remember praying something like, “I don’t care if I have to stay worried and have to feel miserable, just let her be safe.” I’ve learned since then that it’s okay to ask for peace for yourself (which is basically how my every day begins now), but I’m still glad He answered my prayers.
I know what started this odd feeling; I just finished Redeeming Love; again. The feeling actually started early this morning when I got to quite a crucial point on the road to the powerful ending and had to leave it there. This has happened other times that I’ve read it, and other books, though never as much as this one. I just tie myself so tightly to the characters that when they are in pain, I ache. To give you more proof of this and more reasons to mock me, this same thing happened in one of the last seasons of 24. I won’t spoil anything, but someone’s wife died and I think I cried for about 2 days over that. I am really quite empathetic; this comes in handy on stageJ. So back to this morning, I just felt like I was walking around wounded all morning. I felt like something so wrong was happening; people were separated who shouldn’t be; and I knew I had all the power to fix it! It doesn’t matter that I knew the ending and that I was reading this story for the ninth time; it wasn’t done, it wasn’t right and so I felt incomplete. When the rain started pouring I gave in and went to bring to book to its conclusion. As in every previous read, I could not hold my tears in, and I was grateful that the rain pounded loud enough to cover my sobs (though the sound of the rain kind of spurred on the continuing of the tears). But unlike other times, that feeling didn’t go away. I didn’t feel complete. I had the joy that covered me. I felt so utterly insignificant and unworthy and so desperately loved by my father in heaven. But I’ve still been on the verge of tears, and not of joy. I just keep thinking that there are people, so many people, who don’t know this feeling. There are people who think they don’t want this or think that they can’t obtain it. I know they joy of being madly in love with the creator of the universe, my loving father, my king; but others don’t. I just want to scream loud enough for everyone to hear! What could be better than this!? What are you looking for!? You are empty—and you can be filled until you overflow with the abundant life that he has for you! I just want everyone to know the wonder that I feel, and yet knowing that I can’t make them listen is leaving me feeling weak. I am weak.
On top of that, I think all of me is really feeling how long I’ve been gone. I talked to someone about how coming back here feels like you found a piece of your heart’s puzzle that had been missing. For a little while it feels complete and perfect; but then you realize that you left 50 pieces at home, and that one piece can’t quite cover it anymore. I love this piece of my life, but there is a chunk of me that I had to leave behind, and I’m ready to be reunited with that part. I guess heaven is the only place where your puzzle gets to be complete.
We had a slew of brown outs today, the last one lasting a few hours. It started after dinner while I was in the girls’ dorm. When I made my way back to the boys’ dorm, a handful of the high school and college boys and Toto (houseparent) were sitting the pitch black of the common area strumming guitars and singing worship songs. I took my place on the wooden bench and listened and sang with them for more than an hour. As soon as one song would finish someone would start singing the first line of a new song and the guitars would catch up. Someone started singing “Make Me a Servant” which triggered Toto and I to recall dialogue from Psalty’s Kids Praise cassette tapes and we got a little distracted. When we started singing, “No, no, Don’t do it, Charity” we knew it was time to call it a night. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you probably never will.)
I need to wrap this up and get to bed. It’s raining steadily but not too heavily so this is the perfect time to sleep. Angel is home and seems to be doing better. Thank you for your prayers.
11 days.
Love you guys.
This post is dedicated to anyone who HAS NOT read “Redeeming Love”. Consider this your recommendation. Go read it. What are you waiting for?
I feel exactly like that whenever I read Redeeming Love. I think that's what makes it the best book ever! And I know what you mean when you feel the love and grace of God so deeply... there just aren't any words.... but some people have so effectively suppressed the Holy Spirit, they have knowledge, but no passion. Often I am so humbled by God's grace, I walk around with tears in my eyes all day. But there is also that sweet contentment..
ReplyDeleteAnd I love Charity church mouse!! :-)